I’m headlining Calgary Yuk Yuks in the Elbow River Casino from August 20 to 22, 2015. One show each night @ 7:30 pm. Also, I will be clearing out my badass ‘Tits to the Bricks’ & ‘Balls to the Wall’ shirts. Cost: a donation to the Autism Asperger’s Friendship Society. Click here for tickets or call 403-258-2028.
Josh’s model airplane blew up the internet! Check out his wild paper airplane skills here.
First off, sorry for not blogging last week. I had a case of ‘burning the Lori at both ends.’ Wait, that sounds like some sort of coven meeting with me as the sacrifice. Well, in a way it was… I guess? Enough pseudo-blathering; suffice it to say I had a lot of fun (work?) to do.
That week was great for weight loss. I lost 1.8 pounds, and believe it or not, I think the ‘telling my body to let go of the weight’ plan has some creedence (Clearwater Revival). Stress keeps weight on, right? Yes. So I would try to remember to consciously tell me body to relax and let go as often as possible. Luckily, my bladder did not get the message by accident. But I could honestly feel myself release tension every time I said it to myself. And I did end up losing almost 2 pounds.
This past week, I forgot to say that as much, and had a gain of a pound. Goink! Yeah, there was a lot of stress but it was the good kind. The staff Christmas party at up! 97.7 was great fun and good stress! It’s weird showing up at a corporate Christmas party and not being the comedian. Well, Jay and I did emcee the entertainment portion, but that’s waaaaay less stress than making a bunch of bankers or oil tycoons laugh after their corporate speeches about how the marketing division didn’t perform well in the last quarter, they had to lay off 150 people and Todd from accounting is still in chemo for his testicular cancer. And now here’s your comedian, Larry Biggs (that’s me). Any comedian will tell you I am not exaggerating with this example. There have been way worse.
Oh, I got to meet the owner for the first time! I don’t think I was too terribly weird? He said, “I’ve heard you’re very smart,” and I responded, “Thank you, but I think you mean smartass.” That was good, right? [makes ‘I don’t understand corporate anything ever’ face]
Had a gig in Stettler Saturday which was a hoot and 3/4. I took my GD amazing friend Kim so she could be my fluffer and experience life on the road. Okay, well she claimed it was because her family lives there or whatever. Ha! Actually her bro is the mayor of Stettler, so we got to sit with political royalty where in a delightful turn of events, they give you as many drink tickets as you want all night!
So, looking back, I’d say this 1 pound gain is comprised of melt-in-your-mouth chocolate balls from the Christmas party and endless mayoral vodkas in Stettler and maybe having a mozza burger at A&W on the way to Stettler which was total peer pressure because Kim and my comedian friend, Christophe, were appalled that I’d never tried one. So I had to. I’m a giver. Christophe was also surprised that I hadn’t tried a donut from The Donut Mill on Gasoline Alley in Red Deer, so again, had to. OMG, you have no idea how amazing they taste… my mouth is seriously full of drool right now thinking about them.
After all those confessions, it would seem a 1 pound gain was getting off lucky! Ha! But honestly, the rest of the week I ate healthy. Shut up! I did!
Next Wednesday is Christmas so not sure if I’ll be blogging. If I do, it’ll be from under a blanket made of Lindor chocolate and Baileys… I mean, ahem… I’ll be blogging from the treadmill after a breakfast of dried cranberries and spruce bark.
I love you madly and wish you a heart full of warmth, joy, silliness and glee this Christmas.
Total pounds lost: 60.3
Oh hey, gorgeous!
Last week, I didn’t weigh in, nor did I blog and I felt great about it. A listener phoned in and called me a ‘bad girl’ and said I should’ve taken my lumps and been accountable. Hahaha! Despite that sprinkle of pressure, I held strong.
I hadn’t had a great week. When I say that, don’t imagine me face first in a tower of cheesecakes surrounded by a moat of poutine I had to eat my way through first. I mean that I was on the road for comedy all weekend and drove 1,393 km. There’s a lot I love about road trips. For the majority of time, the weather was just fine, I had the audiobook of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire playing and had a good supply of coffee and daydreaming time. There was that wee detail about discovering there are no gas stations on Highway 41 – The Buffalo Trail – and driving into the 63-person town of Schuler on fumes and having a stranger give me all the gas in his jerry can, of course. But considering how smoothly that potentially-crappy situation went, I have to say it was almost my favourite part of the trip!
However, with that many hours on the road, by the time you reach your destination you just want to get the fastest kind of food so you can check into your hotel, flop out on the bed and start unwinding from the drive while you simultaneously start winding up for the comedy show you’re about to put on. So I hit a couple of drive throughs on the road. I know a Tim’s 12-grain BLT bagel doesn’t sound like the worst thing in the world, but the calorie count ain’t great, my friends. I was more worried about the Wendy’s grilled chicken sandwich meal in Medicine Hat though. It’s kind of amusing that a four letter word – meal – neatly omits the word ‘fries’ completely, hey? I sure didn’t.
So, by the time I got home, that last gain of 2.6 pounds I had was now 7 pounds. SEVEN? Now COME ON, Ashton Kutcher. Show yourself, take your trick scale and shove it up your sweet, hard arse. So I let that eff with my brain for a couple of days then decided I was not weighing myself last Wednesday. I knew that I was back to decent habits and feeling good and there was no way a mental beatdown in the form of a number on the scale was going to colour my mood.
If you didn’t know the roller coaster I’d been on, today’s weight would seem pretty run of the mill. Since the last ‘official’ weigh in, I’ve lost 2.4 pounds. I’m cool with that. Still .5 til that elusive 60 pound mark. I know this might sound odd, but I’ve been telling my body to let go of the weight. Here’s why I think it’s not completely insane. Okay, so I’m still pretty new at my radio job, right? And that makes my body tense at work. I don’t consciously notice it until I tell my body to relax. Another way I know is that I, um… how do I put this delicately? After a week at work, when my body relaxes, uh… things really ‘move’ on Saturday. Droppin’ off a lot of kids at the pool if you get my drift. *snort* So, a while ago, I started telling my body to, ahem… ‘release’ so I wasn’t living in the loo on Saturdays. And holy shit (literally), it worked. I’m taking that theory to weight too. When you’re stressed, your body hangs on to weight. So many times a day, I consciously tell it to relax and let it go. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Gotta run and act like I know what I’m doing on the radio.
Have I ever mentioned that for the majority of my life, I’m surrounded by dudes? I’m the only gal in my house, i.e. one husband, two sons. I grew up with one brother and no sisters. I am a comedian in a mostly-male industry. I am a radio host in a mostly-male industry. I do a little TV and a some magazine writing, and that’s pretty much on my own. Do I have a comedy bit about tea-bagging? Damn right I do. I mean, except for the physical discomfort (?) of having dangley bits, I often feel like I have a teabag of my own, likely Earl Grey – it just sounds so well-groomed.
I’m not trying to make a point or take a stand with all this male stuff. It just happened. I didn’t plan for comedy to be my passion. I sure as hell didn’t plan to end up in radio either. But I’m a lucky (see: hard-working) so-and-so, and when an adventure presents itself, well… I’m in, baby (said like George Costanza).
Today I’d like to thank my women. Men, you are amazing. I never tire of you – your perspective, your directness and your lovely, hairy visages. But sometimes it’s nice to be in the company of a dame. Dames get other dames. My favourite dame is my Mom. If you’ve met her, you get it. If not, meet her. Please. She’s in Abbotsford and has probably already unlocked the front door for you. The Rice Krispie treats are in the huge jar on the kitchen counter. Don’t touch the frozen blueberries in the downstairs freezer. Those are mine. Then there are my scrapbook bitches, my stepdaughter, my sis-in-law and my niece, to name a gaggle of major players. Don’t get me started on my comedian friends who happen to be female. I’ve always said that if there’s a natural bond between women, there is an almost magical one between women comedians. I just started typing their names and realized that’s all this blog entry would be if I got started, so I backspaced. If you’re a broad and you tell jokes, we are likely already deeply in love, particularly if we’ve been on the road together. Then there are my Facebook dolls – some of you, I know very well; some, I met once at a gig somewhere and we clicked; some got to know me on X929 and continue to support my radio adventure at up! 97.7 now. Thank you… for everything you are to me and for liking me in that Billy Joel way – just the way I am.
I have a new girlfriend. Her name is Leslie Stein. She is the Leslie part of our morning show called “Jay, Lori & Leslie.” That’s her on the right with her best dude, Alfie. We work beside each other 5 days a week. When we’re not working, we discuss America’s Next Top Model in intense detail and critique photos on Facebook like Tyra would. Yeah, she’s talented and smart and blah blah blah. I’m not here to sell you on her. I’m here to say how much I am loving working with a woman. One reason is that she has body issues too. She used to be 60 pounds heavier. I’ve seen the photos. She struggles to stay svelte. She has to watch what she eats and she goes to this thing called ‘spin class’ often. I’m quite sure it’s a cult and I’m in the early planning stages of an intervention.
Don’t misunderstand me. Every dude in my life who’s aware of Losing Lori is wonderfully supportive of me and lord knows I am grateful. It means the world. Here’s the thing… being beside Leslie 5 days a week makes a difference in my weight loss adventure. This is not to say Jay isn’t amazing. All three of us share breakfast snacks, jokes, sarcasm, successes, blips and an abundance of singing and camaraderie. I love that. I know I could share any and all struggles with Jay and he’d be a true-blue friend. But let’s talk plain – he has an outie and I have an innie.
When I tell Leslie how I wanted to eat the entire main floor of my house because I had PMS, she gets it. She’s lived it. We can discuss small-animal-sized number twos and how fabulous it is when they occur before a weigh in. I never feel like her encouragement or advice is pressure. It’s more like having a sister in all things body-issue/food related there beside me. And it’s good.
Wow, after all that, I feel like if I don’t lose this week it’ll be all her fault! Ha! I kid, I kid. I’ve had another disciplined week (hey, Mexico – I see you waving in the distance) so should do well. However, there’s always the stealthy, boat-anchor-of-a-uterus with the regularity-of-the-Spanish-inquisition lurking behind every corner. WHOA! Yup, the lady parts are making quite the stand for themselves today. Remember that 2.4 I lost last week? Well, the anchor has retorted with a 2.6 gain. This has happened too often to get in a tizzy about it. I was a goddamn star this week and it’ll show up when it shows up. I’ll be at the Glenmore Reservoir keeping the boats in place with my reproductive organs if you need me.
Pounds gained this week: 2.6
Total pounds lost: 57.1
Dear pals o’ mine,
On this wacky weight-loss ride, I am regularly reminded of one thing – I know nothing. That could be construed as a negative, but it’s really not. The saying ‘ignorance is bliss’ has a lot of merit really. I figure as long as I can laugh about it, I’ll stay sane.
This week, I focused on an old standby – calorie counting. And I have a very exciting new motivation. We’re going to Mexico in January and I’d like to arrive at the beach with a little less Lori to stuff in my suit of bathing. There are kayaks there and I daydream about paddling out to the coral reef for a snorkel. Why no, I have never actually kayaked. Do I sit on my knees? Do my legs go out in front of me? Will I need lube to get in? Do they come in plus sizes? What if I kayak to the reef and can’t re-insert myself into the kayak to get back? I mean, I’m not really panicking about that. I have absolutely no qualms about swimming back whilst pulling the kayak on a rope in my teeth. You’re welcome for the visual. (But OMG, seriously, how do you re-mount a kayak from the water??? *panics* *throws self down hallway*)
So, hopefully I can keep Mexico in the forefront of my cranium because it certainly made a difference this week – a difference I can actually feel this time. Yep, gotta a little of the old air flow in m’pants goin’ on. I crave the next size down in jeans and it just so happens there’s a pair waiting in my closet for me, flirting with me, givin’ me that sideways smile… I’ll get you, my pretty. It’s just a matter of time.
Thanks a bushel for popping by.
Pounds lost this week: 2.4
Total pounds lost: 59.7
What’s up, homies?
Weird food week, I’ll tell ya that for free. There were two birthday cakes and hell no, I didn’t have ‘just a sliver.’ Who am I? Giselle Bundchen? Why is it that day-old birthday cake, particularly eaten when you’re alone watching crap TV, tastes better than licking the inside of a chip bag? Pfft, as if anyone would do that.
Best way to follow up multiple cakes – Halloween, obviously. While I did enjoy a handful of fun-sized chocolate bars, I didn’t spiral out of control. Now if we had been giving out chips… well, those adorable trick-or-treaters would’ve arrived to a darkened house, adorned online by the silhouette of a large woman with crumbs on her bosom snoozing on a couch.
Onto something with more depth. A couple of weeks ago, I had that nighttime urge to nosh. I don’t know why I said ‘a couple of weeks ago.’ I have that urge every GD night. What I meant was that a couple of weeks ago, I found myself strolling to the kitchen for a snack as usual. I stopped myself and stood there and thought, “Okay. I know I’m not hungry. What’s really going on here?” I went all Oprah on myself. “Okay, Lori. What emotion is coming up? What are you not dealing with? What bigger issue is at play here?” Then I willed myself to come up with an answer. My brain strained. And you know what came up? Nothin’. So after about 5 minutes of standing there like a self-actualizing goofball, I had a handful of almonds and dried apricots and went to bed.
I went for a psych top up the next week and relayed that story. Psych said something that flooded me with relief – enough relief to cause tears to be honest. She was totally on board with me stopping and checking in with myself before I snacked. When I told her I came up with nothin’ she said that’s probably because it was just that … nothin’. Since Psych and I have known each other for almost 20 years, she has the knowledge to say that. She knows I’m a fan of leaving no stone unturned psychologically speaking.
So, what was it all about? Habit. It’s behavioural. It’s a pattern I’ve developed for decades. So now what? What do I do when you feel that urge to stroll for a snack? Well, she suggested a strategy that addicts use. I give myself 10 minutes before I eat anything. If the snack is metaphorically on the shore, I ride the wave in. If after 10 minutes, I’m liking being out on the water, I’ll surf for another 10 minutes, and so on. Now if I get to the shore after those 10 minutes, fine. I’ll have a snack. My other hurdle is that when I feel that urge to snack at night, I get a panicky feeling in my being. My mind thinks if I have a bite, I’ll veer completely out of control and inhale the entire kitchen. I need to be mindful of that too, because who is thinking clearly and intelligently in a state of panic?
So, that’s the head stuff I’m working on right now. And maybe it’s working as 1.2 pounds fell off my keester this week. Hope nobody tripped on it. Thanks so much for listening, and being here, and being you.
Pounds lost this week: 1.2 pounds
Total pounds lost: 57.3
BOO!!! No, not ‘boo’ as in a negative response, but ‘boo’ as in I-just-scared-the-Bejesus-out-of-you-didn’t-I? Happy day between my birthday and Halloween, bishes.
I’m feeling pretty smug about how fabulously I snubbed my abusive boyfriend (the scale) this week. Oh, I could hear him lurking there under the bathroom sink with his sneering good looks, cheap beer and tribal tattoos, but I ignored the dink. As far as my week went in terms of eating, I was pretty stellar… well, until two days ago. It was Scary Movie Club and it’s widely-known that large amounts of popcorn should be shoveled in thy mouth in a darkened theater. Little known fact: if it’s a scary movie, Carrie in this instance, you can add layered butter without consequence. True. Google it.
Yesterday was my birthday, not that I’m attention-seeking or anything. You’re damn right I eat cake on my birthday. I’m not a Nazi. I had some at work and there was another cake at home, so obviously, I had both. Mmm, lard cake. That’s the kind where you have juuust enough cake to act as a vehicle for 17 pounds of icing per slice. If you’re after my heart, add a few roses on that slab of heaven.
This week was a prime example of ‘real life’ eating. There are certain things I hold dear, e.g. movie popcorn, and will allow myself once a month. Birthday cake once a year – why the hell not? And believe it or not, I lost 2 pounds of prime bish anyway. Woo!
Thanks for popping by. Happy Halloween and may you get the sh*t scared out of you many times to help purge the handful of mini Wunderbars you may or may not have ingested… by accident of course.
Pounds lost this week: 2
Total pounds lost: 56.1
Hey pals o’ mine,
In a fit of pseudo-drama, I almost didn’t write this damn blog because all indications are that I’ve gained this week. Then I decided being candid and likely relating to people on the same wagon was important.
If you’ve been reading the blog for a while, you’ll know I’ve had my issues with the scale and how it can eff me up. Thankfully, I am positively not alone in this. But like going back to a bad boyfriend, I hopped on it a few times this week. Right off the bat, ‘a few times this week’ is far too many times to weigh one’s self. I’ll tell you why though.
I figured since I didn’t lose last week but had been eating properly without slip-ups, I was due for a loss, right? Even though I was away for the weekend with plenty of temptation to overeat, I stuck to my guns and did well. Now please realize that part of my definition of ‘doing well’ is that when I have more than a few vodka/Frescas, I dutifully log them into My Fitness Pal and still stay under my calorie limit for the day. I don’t drink often, but now and then, this badass, crafty, suburban Mama goes wild with a few ounces of vodka and a 9:30 pm bedtime. Life in the fast lane, my friends.
So to be honest, I was excited to get back home and weigh myself Monday morning because I was definitely going to have a loss. Nope. I can almost see the scale laughing like an evil dictator and tenting its fingers when I type that. I had gained. I went to work feeling less chirpy than I had before I stepped on that POS. Despite the natural reaction to think, “To hell with it. I might as well eat whatever I want then because this ain’t working,” I stayed the course.
However, because my brain is a human one and I am the eternal cockeyed optimist, I thought, “But wait! Surely if I had an unexpected gain today after being disciplined, then I stayed disciplined, the loss will come tomorrow morning!” With that logic, I mounted the nasty steed scale again this morning. ANOTHER GAIN. There were expletives. Several of them. Thankfully, they were muttered rather than screeched and the rest of the family was not woken from their slumber. I went to work and thought, “I can play this game longer than you can, scale.” And today, once again, I’ve been disciplined.
I realized two things. First, upon examination of a handy app on my phone, this gain is very likely a result of Ye Olde Ladyparts (sadly not a suburb in Game of Thrones). Secondly, I need to relocate the scale and/or go with measurements rather than weight. Perhaps I could put the scale in the shed… or Antarctica… or at least somewhere where I don’t have time to get to it in the morning so I only check it once a week. Perhaps I could take the advice of Food Addicts Anonymous and only weigh once a month… or I could smash it with a hammer and make a mosaic out of the pieces.
In any case, I am proud of staying on track despite the mind games I play with this inanimate object. Considering I’ve likely been in the clutches of PMS at the same time, I may apply for some sort of medal and request a plaque on a bench in Fish Creek Park. Thanks for listening and relating. I invite you to share your wisdom regarding the scale because you’re kind of great and stuff.
By the way, what are your strategies for NOT eating Halloween candy before Halloween? I put it in the shed once in a blizzard thinking there’s no way I’d trudge out there for it. I did. LOL.
Pounds gained this week: 2.8
Total pounds lost: 54.1
Well, hello there! Good to see you. You look good in that colour.
It’s been 2 weeks back on this here wagon, and I’m enjoying the ride. I realized a few days ago that I had made some adjustments to my weight loss efforts compared to how I was early this year. It’s fair to say right now my eating is a lot more ‘real life’ based. I am not currently attempting to entirely banish white flour and sugar from landing in my mouth. I am not getting so wrapped up in the minutea of what I eat that I’m questioning eating an apple in the morning because it could affect my blood sugar. No, I’m not diabetic and I like a GD apple in the morning, so the apple I shall have. If I have a treat, I huck it in My Fitness Pal like everything else. I wanted fruit gummies in the bathtub on Friday after my first week at up! 97.7 and that is what I had. Just to clarify, I didn’t bathe in the fruit gummies, but in retrospect… yum?
It’s too easy to get overtaken, dare I say obsessed, with this stuff. I’ve done it dozens of times in my life. Has it worked? Hmm, maybe short term. But inevitably, there will be a day with birthday cake, a holiday with a dessert I love, or another bath in and/or with fruit gummies. So, for right now, it’s real life eating without the over-the-top pressure I tend to put on myself.
The sneak peak at the scale is not great which amuses me more than anything. After the immediate water retention from a medium movie popcorn seeing ‘Gravity’ on Saturday, I wouldn’t be surprised if that tsunami of salt is still coursing through me. It was powerful enough that I gained 4 pounds overnight when I checked on Sunday. Ha! But hot damn, it was worth it. I mean, what is going to a movie theatre other than a chance to shovel popcorn in your mouth in the dark? But no golden topping even though I salivate for it despite its creepy moniker.
What’s that? Oh, you’re so sweet to ask how I’m doing with the new job, you selfless thing, you. Well, quite frankly, I really like it. The music is right up my alley. My morning show friends, Jay & Leslie, are smart, talented, ridiculous and wholly inappropriate – also right up my alley. I was given a large bottle of ‘luxury vodka’ (I looked it up) on my first day and I even have a desk so I can play grownup after the show! And all those laughing selfies you sent me (still gratefully accepted) were the first thing up on my bulletin board. They remind me daily not only on whom to focus, but that I have a freakishly amazing bunch of friends.
How are your wagon travels going? I’d love to hear about your ride whether it’s bumpy or smooth, whether you’re driving the thing or have been tossed off and are in a ditch plucking cacti out of your arse. Hey, thanks for popping by. You’re swell.
Pounds gained this week: .2 whatevs
Total pounds lost: 56.7