Happy new year, you stunnin’ son of a gun, you!

WHAT ABOUT BILL?

You may have read the blog last week and heard about ‘Bill,’ who turned up unexpectedly at our house on Christmas night. If you didn’t read it, this will make no sense.

Bill left a bag with his pajamas in it that I wanted to return. Neither Bill nor his son Steve have addresses or phone numbers listed, but I remembered Bill was moving to the Canyon Meadows Retirement Residence, so I phoned. I spoke with Peter Roberts there who had heard about Bill’s visit with us … Continue reading ->

I had a blog post all ready for this morning and then this happened:

92 minutes ago, at 3:00 a.m. on the dot, we woke up to knocking on our front door and the doorbell ringing. My hubby scrambled to find a robe and rushed down the stairs while I sat upright in bed listening.

I heard a low voice talking and then my hubs saying, “Come in, come in. You’re freezing.” I threw on my robe to see an elderly man shaking like a leaf, his glasses frozen so he couldn’t see properly. I tossed a blanket in the … Continue reading ->

Well hello, you sweet stack of shortbread!

So, huge news. I tried a completely different new way of eating this week. Sure, watching sugar, fat and carbs has been pragmatic, intelligent and effective, but I yearned to blaze a new weight-loss trail; to truly commemorate my place in the history of good eating.

What you do is, you start everyday with a crapload of coffee with real cream in it. At some point, you toss some nuts (not those kind, perv) in your tooth cave, then maybe an apple and some cheese. Yada yada. Nap. Blah blah. Then you go … Continue reading ->

Hello, you delicious little so-and-so, you!

So, as usual, I had the Tuesday sneak peek weigh in yesterday. I don’t know why I do this. I think it’s so I have 24 hours to process whatever happened before I publish the blog. More to the point, it gives me time to drink 14 gallons of lemon water in case I haven’t done well because in my mind, an internal citrusy waterfall inevitably flushes out 3 pounds of fat – duh. Also, it provides ample time for wailing, cursing and cobbling together what’s left of my self esteem. Har har.

The … Continue reading ->

Hi nice person,

It’s good to see you. It means a lot to me that you read my words. I met a brand new friend (and kickass comedian) this past weekend; the warm, red-heel wearing, blessed-with-dimples Katie-Ellen (I’ll hold off on the last name in case she wants to remain anonymous. Trust me, there are thousands of dimpled comedians named Katie-Ellen Humphries in Vancouver. Gasp. I’ve said too much). Shortly after we met and I foisted a hug on her, she said, “I read your blog.” I preen-squealed, which is similar to Jeff Toth’s ‘scream-puke,’ but just different enough that … Continue reading ->

Hi! *hug*

I was with my pal Kim last week. She relayed a story to me. Her husband was at a conference and some nice lady said she liked my comedy. Said husband claimed we were friends, which she didn’t believe, so he showed her that we are friends on Facebook. Apparently, she looked at my picture and said, “She is so beautiful. I wish I looked like her.”

When Kim relayed this, I was touched and flattered – for about 1.5 seconds. Very quickly though, my brain put that to an abrupt halt and slapped my face – hard. … Continue reading ->

Hi Sillypants, c’mon in. Let’s put the blankets in the dryer for 10 minutes then wrap ourselves in them then pass out from bliss.

Just got back from a short trip to Minneapolis. I thought of Mary Tyler Moore the whole time and threw my hats everywhere. Just kidding. Hats don’t fit this enormous noggin. While away, I walked, swam, cavorted, frolicked and smiled really big a lot, so I was confident I’d dropped a few butter bombs off my arse. I got on the scale yesterday morning to see a FIVE-POUND GAIN. Now come on! Yes, I had several … Continue reading ->

Happy Halloween, homies! May your jack-o-lantern be abundant with delicious seeds, may your childrens’ sugar highs be tolerable and may your costumes contain your bosoms.

Why the bosom remark? Oh, I’ll tell ya why. On Saturday at an out-of-town gig, a fight broke out between some ladies (?) in whorish costumes. In the aftermath, I heard the mini-riot was incited by boobs. Perplexed, I uttered, “But… but my breasts have never incited violence. On the contrary, they’re very nurturing.” Turns out it wasn’t my rack that launched the attack.

On a personal note, and in an effort to further process … Continue reading ->