Hi! *hug*

I was with my pal Kim last week. She relayed a story to me. Her husband was at a conference and some nice lady said she liked my comedy. Said husband claimed we were friends, which she didn’t believe, so he showed her that we are friends on Facebook. Apparently, she looked at my picture and said, “She is so beautiful. I wish I looked like her.”

When Kim relayed this, I was touched and flattered – for about 1.5 seconds. Very quickly though, my brain put that to an abrupt halt and slapped my face – hard. … Continue reading ->

Hi Sillypants, c’mon in. Let’s put the blankets in the dryer for 10 minutes then wrap ourselves in them then pass out from bliss.

Just got back from a short trip to Minneapolis. I thought of Mary Tyler Moore the whole time and threw my hats everywhere. Just kidding. Hats don’t fit this enormous noggin. While away, I walked, swam, cavorted, frolicked and smiled really big a lot, so I was confident I’d dropped a few butter bombs off my arse. I got on the scale yesterday morning to see a FIVE-POUND GAIN. Now come on! Yes, I had several … Continue reading ->

Happy Halloween, homies! May your jack-o-lantern be abundant with delicious seeds, may your childrens’ sugar highs be tolerable and may your costumes contain your bosoms.

Why the bosom remark? Oh, I’ll tell ya why. On Saturday at an out-of-town gig, a fight broke out between some ladies (?) in whorish costumes. In the aftermath, I heard the mini-riot was incited by boobs. Perplexed, I uttered, “But… but my breasts have never incited violence. On the contrary, they’re very nurturing.” Turns out it wasn’t my rack that launched the attack.

On a personal note, and in an effort to further process … Continue reading ->

Hey Sugar!

Wait. Considering what I’ve learned about sugar in the last week, I shall not sully your good reputation by using it as your pet name.

About 20 cm of snow fell last night. In response and protest, I have assumed the position demonstrated in the photo and will stay as such until April. Almost true, except the snow, i.e. the threat of someone slipping on our sidewalk and suing us, compelled me to venture out in a toque (don’t picture that) and git ‘er done. Excuse me while I log into My Fitness Pal and choose “9 hours … Continue reading ->

Hey, my little pumpernickel. Come on in.

I want to call this post “Unfinished Research” because I have a lot to say but am not prepared. When I was in Grade 7, I had to do an oral (snicker) report on Alexander Graham Bell (he invented the iPhone and yams). Mr. Yokota would pick random students each day to present in front of the class. It was the first day and quite uncharacteristically, I had prepared nothing. When Yokota was looking around for someone to start, I stared at my binder with a furrowed brow that conveyed, “I’m very busy … Continue reading ->

Hey gorgeous! Get your sweet ass in here. I pre-warmed your spot on the couch with my aura. So, here’s something. I was at Psych this morning. Here is an excerpt:

Me: Did I tell you I’m going to Hawaii in the Spring? Yeah, I really want to lose enough weight to go zip-lining. I hear some places have weight limits and it would be the worst to be turned away if I was too heavy.

Psych: Well, yes. And of course there are the other risks…

Me: Like what? Oh. HA! Right! Also, duh… I don’t want to plummet … Continue reading ->

What is up, HOMIES!?!? Here, have a coffee. Do you want something to eat? I have dried mangoes, generic brand kidney beans and some freezer-burnt meat. Mmm, casserole.

Pardon my flitting about. I’ve just had a solid week of comedy and most of my AB+ blood (yeah, I AM special) has been replaced with adrenaline. I’m trying to keep the blog strictly about losing my lady lumps, but I absolutely must give a most loving shout out to everyone who made the inaugural Calgary Comedy Festival a rip-roaring success! And they announced on Saturday that is will be an annual … Continue reading ->

Welcome! Glad you could stop by. Hey, could I ask you something? Thanks. Have I gone crazy? Whoa, enough with the smirk. I shouldn’t have set you up like that. Here’s the thing…

I’m writing this on Monday morning. The number on the scale isn’t moving.  This is disturbing. I’m very disciplined about my caloric intake and believe me, I would be dead honest with you had I gone on a binge-fest. I would happily confess every greasy detail. But I haven’t. So, here’s what I tell myself to stay sane:

1. I’ve lost 23 POINT 1 pounds. Plateaus happen. … Continue reading ->

Hey, sillypants! C’mon in. I have to be honest with you. I’m having a hard time getting today’s blog started. I’ll confess why.

I had a sneak peek at the scale 2 days ago. I hadn’t lost anything. So I drank a lake’s worth of water thinking, logically or not, that a rushing waterfall through my body would swoosh out the weight I should have lost. Ha! I even dreamed that night about… well, about peeing, okay? I peed everywhere. I peed in private and I peed in public with no shame. I peed like a cat marking his territory. … Continue reading ->

Heeey! Come in, come in. You look good. Stop getting Botox. Oh wow, I just remembered I had a dream last night. I was offered Botox and I said no. Phew, smart even my dreams, baby! Of course, had it been a dream about a breast lift or tummy tuck, I may have violently tackled everyone in line ahead of me for the first spot. Just kidding. I don’t want a tummy tuck now. Still too much tummy. I hate the word tummy. It should be reserved for 3 year olds who have ‘tummy aches.’ After the age of 3, … Continue reading ->