In the words of The Commodores, I’m a brick… house. I’m mighty-mighty, just letting it all hang out… partly because I refuse to fight into a Spanx, thankyouverymuch. Well, it’s time to trade in the bricks for wood or maybe straw. Naw, straw sounds like I’ll break a hip. Sheesh, enough beating around the belly…
I’M GOING TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT NOW.
Would you follow along? Come by for a visit now and then to check the girth stats? I’d sure appreciate it. Having accountability to you – yes, YOU – is very motivating to me.
“That’s all well and good, Lori, but can I believe you? What have you done so far so I know you’re serious?”
– I bought a scale today and then worked up the nerve to stand on it. I may even turn it on one day. Just kidding. I turned it on then smashed it on the garage floor. Just kidding. I had an idea how many layers I’d packed on and I was about right in my guesstimate. So I passed out and hit my head (which apparently weighs over 90 pounds itself) on a bag of salad. Just kidding. I ate the bag of salad.
– On my last two trips – Christina Lake, BC and Fenwick Island, Delaware – I did a lot of swimming and Aquabelle routines (all improv; toes pointed) in an effort to shock my body into remembering what ‘exercise’ is. It thanked me by being sore, which I’m ignoring. Ungrateful, I tells ya.
– I have visited a psychologist who specializes in weight issues and am currently tackling my honed-to-an-art ability to ingest most of my daily energy after supper, ie I inhale food at night very well. We might try hypnosis. She asked me what I knew about hypnosis and I said, “You dangle your pocket watch in front of me and/or we watch Reveen. Duh.” After she restrained herself from slapping me soundly, she patiently explained the process. When she said one has to have a bit of exhibitionist in them to be a good candidate, I knew I could do it. I’ve actually been in a trance since I saw her, which was over a week ago. I haven’t worn pants since.
– I would like to have more energy, sweat less, have more clothing choices, be more comfortable in an airplane seat and a restaurant booth and have the choice of ‘fight or flight’ when the zombie apocalypse arrives. Right now, fighting is the only option.
“So, how much do you weigh?”
– Go f*ck yourself.
“That was rude. How much do you want to lose?”
– 150 pounds, then we can reassess together.
“How do we know how you’re doing?”
– I’ll blog every week. I picked August 1 because I had time to write today and it’s the 30th anniversary of me losing my virginity. The ‘losing’ theme fit. My virginity did not weigh 150 pounds, but to be honest, I didn’t check.
– I will reveal how much I’ve lost or gained that week plus a running total. I do not like saying how much I weigh. Of course it’s psychological. I know this. But just humour me on this one, would you? Thanks. You’re a good friend.
“Okay. Is that it?”
No. I’m a very social creature and I’m asking for your help. If you have tips to stop night inhaling, a recipe that makes Red Lobster cheese biscuits with zero calories, or just want to say/ask something about this idea, I would LOVE it. Knowing you’re out there will make me work hard! I thrive on approval! Don’t you get it?!
I just took a huge deep breath and realized I’m going to post this now and then I’m committed. Gulp. Okay, here goes…
TOTAL LOST POUNDS: zero