Well hello, you sweet stack of shortbread!
So, huge news. I tried a completely different new way of eating this week. Sure, watching sugar, fat and carbs has been pragmatic, intelligent and effective, but I yearned to blaze a new weight-loss trail; to truly commemorate my place in the history of good eating.
What you do is, you start everyday with a crapload of coffee with real cream in it. At some point, you toss some nuts (not those kind, perv) in your tooth cave, then maybe an apple and some cheese. Yada yada. Nap. Blah blah. Then you go to a Christmas party and bask in your magnificence because you have resisted everything in the bread group. You celebrate riotously by eating half a wheel of mysterious cheese with a sweet berry topping.
What you’ll need to do next is hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. I know you’re strong, but you can’t do this alone. You need supportive, true friends to get through this stage. You CAN do this. Once you’ve gathered the support system, gather the Fresca and vodka. Begin pouring it down your gullet like you just busted out of a 27-hour hot yoga class. Remember, most of your friends know you’ve been eating and drinking healthy, so they will assume it’s plain Fresca and offer to refill your glass often as they feel guilty for sipping dark rum and full-fat eggnog. Allow them the dignity to assuage their guilt. Also, enjoy the sensation of reality starting to blur around the edges. The blurring burns a triathlon’s worth of calories which is why it is sometimes referred to as “blurning.” Not a lot of people know this.
The final stage is controversial to some health professionals, but rest assured I have tested these methods extensively (see: once). Through no fault of your own, you may suddenly be flanked by boxes of Christmas chocolates. Remember the breathing technique we forgot to discuss in the paragraph I forgot to write about Kundalini yoga. Now is the time to put it to practice. As you inhale, place chocolate in mouth. Chew or let it melt depending on your astrological sign and the phase of the moon. Repeat in uneven intervals until you are left with only chocolates with peculiar fillings that make you flashback to trying unsweetened baker’s chocolate as a child (see: adult).
At this juncture, you may feel a sensation similar to that of marijuana (which I have only read about and seen on Degrassi, Vintage Edition). This is best savoured while sitting in the cozy corner spot of an overstuffed couch with your friends surrounding you. You may find that you share confidential information with them which borders on being unprofessional. This is normal. Do not panic. Breathe through it. It’ll be worth it.
Once you’ve completed the aforementioned disciplines and only if you have used proper technique, you’ll be enveloped in a sea of endorphins and will drift off serenely into a blissful slumber, the likes of which haven’t been heard of since a certain Monsieur Van Winkle.
Only if you are exceptionally dedicated and under the supervision of a doctor or a house pet, continue the program the following day by searching out your significant other’s Bernard Callebaut stash and committing yourself to full inhalation of same, as pictured below:
As a special surprise and a thank you for signing up for my new Eating Plan, I have not weighed myself yet so that together we can revel in the no-doubt staggering success.
Well, ahem… this is unexpected. I, uh… wow. Seems I’ve gained a third of a pound. I don’t know what to say. You know, this weight loss road ain’t easy, folks. Sometimes despite your chocolate and vodka-soaked efforts, other factors are going to come into play. I probably forgot to empty the twonies out of my pockets when I weighed myself or … or – hey, my new bra has lace on it and it’s probably that super dense, heavy lace. Oh heck, I just realized my hair was wet when I weighed in, so THAT’s probably it. See? Told you. Bottom line is, I knew it couldn’t be my New Eating Plan.
Have a fabulous week before Christmas and feel free to try My Plan at no cost. I’d love to hear your results too.
So much love,
Pounds GAINED this week: .3
Total pounds lost: 43.6
P.S. I did a couple of podcasts recently, so if you have any interest in hearing me blather on, book yourself a psych appointment, find a hobby, then listen to these:
Me talking about comedy, gardening and deep stuff with Guy McPherson of “What’s So Funny?”
Me talking to a Former Fat Guy about food, psych and seat belts with Aaron Butler of “1 Meal – 1 Workout.”